Do what everyone asks you to do?
What do we want in life?
Sometimes I wonder whether I’ll completely achieve all of my dreams and everything in my seemingly never-ending bucket list. I always felt that to be content in life I needed to do everything that people around me were doing, and I needed everything people around me had. But something I never realized was that it was not me.
Before we proceed, I would like to register here that I love attention and I constantly seek approval and applause from people. I know that is not how one should be, but right now that is how I am. So back to the story,
It so happened that when I was achieving almost everything that everyone expected out of me with a few minor hiccups, it started to slowly dawn on me that I didn’t feel happy or accomplished to have done something or bought something. I felt proud that I had completed something that I had started to do and didn’t halt midway or go back. For me, to distinguish between both, it took a solid 21 years of my lifetime. But I was at least happy that I had figured out something instead of trying to be a role model to society. But then acting on it was even more difficult than realizing it and continuing what I was supposed to do as dictated by everyone around me except me. I was done suppressing my feelings and emotions and going with the crowd. But how? And when?
I had a lot of realizations and no inspiration for what to do. I wasn’t too old to stop contemplating something because of financial constraints or dependencies. But I wasn’t too young to go and do whatever I wished without any consequences. I felt stuck in the middle. And voicing out my thoughts was one of the stupidest things I could have done since being confused myself, I got more people surrounding me who was telling me what to do and what not to do, and not all of their intentions were pure or to be precise well-intended towards me.
I had a degree at hand — a good paying job at a well-recognised company that treated its employees better. And I didn’t have to move out of the city since it was located a couple of hours away from my house. And yes, I bragged. A lot. Since I was the one among the first ones in my batch to land a job when I still had a year of education to get my degree I could brag to my heart’s desire.
But happiness? Out of the picture. I had never realised that this was a dream job for many. But not me. I never felt the need to rush to the office to solve something that was piquing my curiosity or I never felt content about having put in all my efforts to do something. I agree that this might not be what everyone seeks in a job, but I wanted the best out of life. And this was not my best. I found so many discouragements to not take any rash decisions in a momentary confusion that made me more confused. I did what was required of me, but it kept getting worse. I started dreading Mondays.
Being a person always striving for perfection I felt stupefied because nothing made sense anymore.
I still do.
The main thing? I didn’t know what else to do.
The risks involved, the probability, the pie chart for success — nothing felt positive. But one thought kept resonating in my mind that I felt better and clear when I thought of quitting. That even though I had very less motivation to go ahead and quit from the people who mattered, I felt strong. That somehow I would survive. Not survive but thrive. And even though I decided to let go of my regrets of not taking different decisions in the past that might have led to a different path, I felt that it wasn’t too late. Though I had a degree I didn’t want; I had something to work with.
I wanted to make sure that from here onwards I would have no regrets for not acting on anything I wanted to. I didn’t need it, Yes. But I wanted it. I wanted everything out of life that it could offer me. From sweat to pain, to nectar to happiness, I wanted my life to be shaped by only my heart’s desires and not anyone else’s perception of how a perfect person’s life should be. There is no such thing as complete perfection.
I decided to sort out what I would love to have in my life.
And the list seemed pretty short. So my career would be something from that. And I was not bothered about being a fresher with no relevant degree to the career I sought, and I didn’t stop to think about how it would pay me as long as I had enough to not depend on others.
And as I write every single line here, I feel more resolved.
I do have a dream. And it doesn’t bother me at all that I’m leaving behind something which others still dream of.
Au Revoir.
